Went to the doctors. Now on drugs that I have distressingly discovered are one part of the cocktail my mother has to have every day. Hopefully they will do something to help sort me out. I feel a bit sick. Spent most of the appointment marvelling what a lovely, intelligent sounding person my doctor is. He got into the profession that suits him perfectly. It takes a very avuncular chap to explain suicidal side-effects in an acceptable way. Bluntness is not in his vocabulary.

Exams in two weeks and judging by my vague attempts at revision philosophy and ethics is going to be a royal, royal disaster. I have no interest in it any more. Not religious language, at least. Need to build up some motivation to do revision and not writing, but reviewing things I already vaguely know is exceptionally dull, when I could be producing and thinking about new things.

Big, long, illuminating conversation at the pub the other night. Very odd.

Not sure where I stand on very much. Trying my best to avoid caring. Tschuss!

Never put two depressed people alone into a house. 

It's is a furnace of despair. 

Dreamtiiimes

I had a dream that was something along the lines of Wuthering Heights with pirates. There was also a bad-mouthing lobster, a child hiding under a shelf in a grocery shop to avoid being eaten and a badly behaved donkey.

Excellent.

Things I have learned about humanity.

Humanity makes my head hurt.

1. Money is the root of everything, evil or otherwise.
2. Apathy is rife in society; people prefer not to think or do anything.
3. Humanity is happy to shout things they don't understand, so long as they can do it loudly, in a group, or to music (or, indeed. all three).
4. The value of aspiration is entirely subject to luck.
5. Older only means wiser in terms of awareness (or, in some cases, acceptance and self-deception).

Most of these are heavily influenced by historical and societal progression, though I doubt things have ever been all too different.

Needless to say, I am not entirely chuffed with the world today. Not least because people in Canada have cured cancer, but because it's not profitable nobody cares. Or because God being everlasting does not imply that time has an end. Or because people can get away with lying plainly to people's faces, manipulating them with every word. Or because time is short and nobody cares. Or because sponteneity is dead.

That is all.

It's all so hateful, isn't it.

Saw Water For Elephants. It was excellent. Mainly because of this man...

He's amazing. Don't try to deny it because if you do you will be betraying the virtue of Honesty and Aristotle will not be a happy bunny. Just look at him. Then look at his acting skills. Then look at his dapper outfits. Christoph Waltz. Learn the name and weep because you're not sufficiently badass to be him.

Also, RPattz shitting himself when a lion tried to eat him; and also looking ridiculously drunk most of the time. JS.

Beautiful plot, too, but then book adaptations tend to have that going for them more than general films.

Not seen it yet? GO.

Also Ellie needs a mention for nearly destroying her Dad's car with her masterful parking skills, and also for taking me on a lovely picnic in an industrial park. We spotted the wild Sainsbury's trucks breaking free, spreading their wings and leaving the depot. We also entertained the people in the McDonald's drive through with some poker-straight parking. It was beautiful. :)

Stressed.

I am stressed.
Why are you stressed, Rachel? You might very validly ask.
I am stressed because a) I've had three weeks of holidays and then within two days of being back seem to have run myself into the ground, although I ought to be able to deal.

b) I feel like a fail, because I am a disorganised leader in a disorganised cub group, who don't tell me where they need me to be except in vague notes, and who aren't there when I turn up (late, although I arrived the first time this evening at the hall early... but had to rearrange my plans).

c) Every time I think I have a handle on something, some serious shit goes down.

d) At which point my father takes it upon himself to point out how shit I am at organisation, how I should be working and how I don't really have any right to not be able to deal.

e) I haven't got the balls (or the physical stamina and motivation) to walk over to the town hall and have a face-to-face discussion with Mike about wanting to drop scouts and just do cubs, even though I know doing both is too much for me, and I am knackered. I am going to take the cowards way out and write him an upstanding formal British e-mail relaying my reasons.

f) I wish hibernation was a human deal, and not just for chubby animals.

e) My bedroom is a festering pile of shit. As is every piece of technology I own. I cannot afford anything new at all.

ARGH.