What do you get when you combine a Catholic, a procrastinator and a book shelf?

Abridged conversations are all the rage, so here's another one between myself and Miss Considine. The below is not for those of a weak, homophobic or tasteful constitution. A rude-imentary understanding of Harry Potter is also handy. Let's go!

Rachel: I need to pick a new book to read. mhmhm.

Anna: Read this book, it's well deep, by some bint call Rolling, it's about a child called HP, who's gay, and he has to adjust to a straight world.

Rachel: “You're a wizard, harry.” “I know, I know, I like wands, okay? Just take it. Get over it, Hagrid, God. Eugh.”

[flounces out]

Anna: Harry... they took my wand off meh. Snapped it in half.

Rachel: D: ... holy shitting fuck, Hagrid. I knew you were only half-man, but this isn't what I thought you meant.

***

"No, Harry... I'll set my house on fire if we do."

"Better setting the roof on fire than your pubes!!!!!! Dobby just wanted to be helpful, Harry Potter, Sir. Dobby just wanted to make sure Harry Potter was safe." [gives Condom]

"Where did you get this, Dobby? You're not allowed clothes!"

"You gave me a sock, sir."

"That wasn't a sock, Dobby! Waitup, Do house elves even have pubes?"

***

Anna: Dobby only wishes to keep Harry Potter SAFE sir! An evil is lurking at Hogwarts! It lurked and killed 50 years ago sir... Ever wondered why it's called Slytherin sir?! It is named after its greaters weapon sir... Syphillis....

Rachel: [gasp] Holy Hufflepuff Turd, Dobby!

Anna: So you see, HARRY POTTER MUST GO HOME!

Rachel: Is this true? You mean... that's what happened to Voldemort's face? DDDD8

But... But... Dobby - I can't miss the Halloween Orgy. It's the greatest opportunity to carve pumpkins naked for miles around. Last year, Ronny Babes had a squash instead of a pumpkin, and he decided to store his wand in it, all night long. Great times, Dobby, GREAT FRICKIN TIMES. I must go to Hogwarts.

Anna :Oh BUT SIR you are too GREAT, too GOOD to be hunted so sir! You are famous... the whole wizarding knows your name and wants to touch your wand sir!

Rachel: And with good reason, Dobby. Who am I to deny the people what they want? It would be cruel, Dobby. CRUEL. You saw what it did to Quirrell. He could barely say 'fellatio' after a year with me. No, I just can't do it to them.

***

"Do you think the werewolves were a metaphor for AIDs?"

The story of Wizard AIDs or How It Was All Kreacher’s Fault.

Once upon a time, in a land where wizards gallivanted about and lived in invisible houses with grotesque creatures who, in their pillow-case garms (rep your creps, kids, rep your creps!) inspired no other name but Kreacher, there was a Moste Ancient and Noble House of Black. That is not racist, kids, it’s their surname. Don’t be racist. Ever.

The Regular Black Child had ‘one lonely, unprotected night’ with the household slave (aforementioned elf with a bedding fetish) which he was to regret forever. Little did he know that elves are the main carriers of Wizard Aids, a disease which only presents real symptoms in half-bloods – this is the real reason pureblood is the Dolce and Goblin-Armour of the wizarding world. Unknowingly, Regulus had contracted the disease in Kreacher’s kitchen cupboard bed.

The next day, just before lunch, Regulus was chopping beets in order to prepare a salad for his rather more serious brother. Sirius was a greedy little doglet, and decided nothing could beat some stolen beets so he made to grab for Regulus’ big, reddish fruit. Naturally, this took him by surprise, causing Regulus to slip and cut himself with the culinary light saber, and began to bleed profusely.

Sirius knew this was serious. A spurt of blood caught him in the face before he could dodge, and sure enough, the Wizard AIDs virus crept into his eye. After much arguing, it was decided that they should never speak again, especially when Kreacher began to tend to the wound in an overfriendly manner. Sirius took bestiality seriously – seriously. He later told his mother about his discovery, starting a lifelong fuel which eventually resulted in a very pissed off portrait.

Later, Sirius decided that Beastiality and School had nothing in common – the only thing he could take seriously was his feelings for a particular Penis Lupin. Even his name wreaked of manliness and enigmagnetism. One night, after a particularly steamy Halloween Orgy, things got steamy in the dorm room.

The result of this was that poor old Penis managed to catch Wizard AIDs and, being a half-blood, was forced to face the long-awaited consequences of that cold night back in Grimmauld Place many years before. (Kreacher was later to put it down to Stockholm Syndrome, when Dobby liberated him by burning his pillowcase and gifting him a bra.) From then on, Penis Lupin was a werewolf.

Gives a whole new perspective to Fenrear Gayback...

***

And I leave you with one final, harrowing thought.

Arthur Weasley – he just loves plugs.